US Airport Security is a JOKE

I wrote the following post during a flight delay Friday evening (2/29) in where else but Chicago O'Hare. Enjoy the rage....

Let me begin this rant with the fact that I do recognize the people in the front line, the TSA Security Agents, are not to blame for the unmitigated fuster-cluck that is US Airport Security and US Border/Customs control. I will also follow with the idea that you do not need to be a 4 star chef to know when food tastes like shit. Meaning, I don't have all that answers to fix it, but I do have a few ideas on where it is definitely broken.

Case in point, I write this to you 30 minutes after coming probably as close as I have ever come to being arrested in my life, over a bottle of perfume. Irrational? Yes, but only in response to a system that is sooooo amazingly inflexible, rigid and irrational.

I purchased some new perfume, Duty Free, in Heathrow for my wife for 55 British Pounds or approximately $100. With the exchange rate as poor as it is currently, it probably was not a wise move anyway, but I digress. Duty free sealed it in a plastic bag, and I put it in a shopping bag with other gifts bag for the trip home.

When I arrive in O'Hare, where all good memories, happiness and puppies go to die, I am stopped in security for having contraband. My fault, I made a mistake, I should have put it in my checked baggage when I collected it at Customs, but did not have the time or mental clarity to perform said task, having to wait in completely redundant lines thru the Passport Control / US Customs process.

The TSA Supervisor insisted that this perfume be in a 1 quart Ziploc bag, before I could pass. I tried to explain to her that it was in a sealed Duty Free bag before her minion removed it. For five minutes I tried to establish another route to certifying the security of the perfume -- for instance, spraying it? Smells good? Probably perfume. Smells bad? Time for questioning. Nope, too rational. I was to place it in the safe confines of a Ziploc or throw it away. After searching around the Secure area of the airport for a magic 1 quart bag, I recalled that I had stored travel sized hand sanitizer, lotion and eye drops in a Ziploc deep in my carry on bag -- in case I was stopped. I removed these items from the Ziploc and gave it to the TSA agent.

Their next move solidified my suspicion that this sytem is completely broken beyond repair and is one of the most frustrating things I have ever witnessed.... they removed the offending perfume bottle from my shopping bag, the Duty Free Bag, the box shrink-wrap, and the box to put it in a 1 quart Ziploc bag. They run it thru X-Ray again and gave it back to me to be on my way-- that's it! No mass-spectrometer, nothing. All of that grief just to run it thru X-Ray in a baggie? The Ziploc lobby must be thrilled.

So sum up this government mandated assault on efficiency: the only reason they found the bottle when it was sealed in 2 bags, a box and shrink-wrap was via X-ray, but that is "un-secure" . The act of placing it in a baggie, makes it inherently secure -- apparently, all items are more secure if they can be carried in a 1 quart plastic bag. Basically our defense against the terrorist Mongol hoards are X-rays and Ziploc baggies. Relax, feel safe America, they have this under control.

Keep an eye out for my rendition..